FACE OF ABUSE
I am the face of child abuse.
I am one of the 42 Million survivors whose childhood was stolen from them as a victim of child abuse. And like so many, my abusers were my parents.
I am the third of six kids. I do not remember a time in my life as a child where I was not being abused. I do not remember ever being happy.
I barely remember school. There was never any peace in my life.
What I do remember was the constant fear of getting beaten or ridiculed. My life became worse after I was 6 or so as my father began molesting me.
Fear and terror took over my days and nights. I was sick inside of myself and worried from the moment that I woke.
Dad was very cunning, a master at manipulation and created roles for each of us. He conditioned us to fear him from the very beginning of our lives, with what he called punishments. He knowingly did this to have complete control over us. His mood would dictate our fate for the day.
He pitted us all against each other to keep us competing for his attention. We would have done anything to stay in his good graces, but he made sure that was impossible.
My father was a man who enjoyed torturing his children. He was like a dog. He could smell the fear and that excited him. The louder we cried the harder he would hit us.
On several occasions, I wondered if I would live through this beating; while my mother stood by, watched and worst of
all-participated!
I think you can imagine how living in this type of fear would affect a child and push them to their limits each and every day of their lives.
Waking up each day, I never had the luxury to dream of playing and having fun. I never thought about the good things the day would bring.
I woke up every day feeling dread and just praying that I would make it through that day.
That is no way for anyone to live.
The incidents of abuse seemed to follow me into adulthood. I made numerous bad decisions, some of which could have been deadly.
I just knew this wasn't what life was supposed to be like. I started my quest to seek my own healing by facing my own denial.
At 48 years old, I am now calling for OUTRAGE!
Why? Because Sympathy passes quickly, Empathy isn't enough, but OUTRAGE provokes action!
I am determined to bring this out in the open so children everywhere can be saved from the hands of their abusers.
We must stop hiding from words like "Child Molester, Pedophile and Child Abuse".
Pretending these things don't happen in our communities will never make this stop. This is not "other peoples" problem, IT IS OUR PROBLEM!
We must weigh the cost of complacency; that is the destruction of another childs life! For me, that price is too High! .
Stop abuse with us worldwide. Explore this site, donate or purchase our book "So What's Normal." Your exposure and contribution will keep our children safe around the globe.
BOOKS & MORE
PREVIEW AND PURCHASE So, What's Normal? at amazon.com,
CLICK HERE
Book Description
"So, What's Normal?" is an astonishing narrative of one woman's journey from the horrors of childhood abuse and neglect down the long road to recovery and eventual hope. Her personal commitment to significantly reducing the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse of children, families, and neighbors is her ultimate triumph.
Reading the heart-rending words of the author we can only begin to realize the magnitude of the prevalance of deviant sexual behavior and its impact on society. Yet Rhonnie does not leave us to sink into rage and despair. She pulls us through with her courageous example, and we see how she has successfully broken the cycles of abuse. Her compassion for other abused individuals has led her to establish the nonprofit foundation, Leaps & Bounds, whose mission is to extend hope and help to others by funding rehabilitative therapy.
PREVIEW AND PURCHASE So What's, Normal? at amazon.com,
CLICK HERE
Editorial Reviews
Mary O'Connor, MA, MSW, CSW
"[Rhonnie] takes [us] into a child's nightmare and guides us by...her own ability to survive."
Troy W. Turner, Child Protective Services
"[Read this book]to give yourself a better understanding of the problems caused by child abuse and neglect."
Whitney Gabriel, Executive Director, Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute
"Gripping and well-written narrative; [this book] shines a spotlight on one of this country's most pressing health problems..."
PREVIEW AND PURCHASE So, What's Norma?l at amazon.com,
CLICK HERE
About the Author
Instead of "hopefully" living, I am "happily" living the life I have chosen to live. This life of mine is full of joys including the upcoming birth of my first grandbaby, watching my foundation flourish, and continuing to write on the subject of child abuse prevention. My own children will be working with me to help me reach these goals and I couldn't be prouder of them. Life is good and well worth living.
PREVIEW AND PURCHASE So, What's Normal at amazon.com,
CLICK HERE
WHO WE ARE
Who we are
Leaps and Bounds, Inc. 501(c3) A Non profit corporation.
We are the face of millions of children world wide. We are here to become their protectors, their advocates, and their confidants.
We are a team of global advocates for child safety.
Our Mission:
To Expose Crimes Against Children and To
Protect Our Children Worldwide
OUR PURPOSE
We exist to stop crimes against children worldwide through exposure, acknowledgment, theraputical and educational initiatives.
OUR GLOBAL TEAM:
United States Of America
Rhonnie Hodge
Founder, Executive Director
Kathe Mitchell
Assistant Executive Director
Mary O'Connar, MSA, MSW
Consulting Counselor
Michael J. Weitzman
Cheif Marketing Consultant
Owner, Urban Market Resources
Ireland
Email:youremail@email.com
Ezine & Activisim
THE BRUTAL TRUTH
FREE BI-MONTHLY E-ZINE
click here to view now
Read the Brutal Truth Bi Monthly right now! Read articles from authors, victims, healers, professionals and people like you click here
OR
Bi Monthly Email : Get the Brutal Truth Bi Monthly Email update click here
OTHER INITATIVES
Global Call for Board of Directors
Speaking Engagments
Global Video Documentary
Counseling Support and Services
Funding and Educational Programs
THE LETTERS
Write a letter or post a story to be displayed here to
help stop crimes against children worldwide:
POST A LETTER!
the letters...
Holly's Letter Posted 5/1/05
To Dad and Mom,
I remember the mulberry tree. I remember the fig tree. I remember the pool. I remember the Park. I remember riding my big wheel. I remember Denise and the two sisters, Mary and Maxine. I remember running so fast I thought I could fly.
But I couldn't run fast enough to escape what was happening to me. I couldn't get away from when you would leave Amy and I with the Andrews. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't protect me. He would separate us - send one of us with his wife, while he would molest the other; in the basement, in his garage workshop. I remember more of those places than I remember my own home.
I don't know exactly what he did to Amy. She said once that he tried to make her touch him. But I remember what he did to me. I remember his wet sloppy kisses as he tried to force his tongue into my mouth. I remember the way his hands shook as he shoved them down my pants or rubbed my breasts. I remember the way my whole body still shook for a long time after. I remember feeling dirty. I feel dirty still. And it didn't stop when we moved from there. He did it again when we went to the shore; he did it again when he came to the farm for my graduation.
I hate. I hate me. I hate him. I have more rage than you can conceive of. I wish I could take a dagger and thrust it into him, turn it for good measure, and pull it out. Maybe again and again. He deserves to burn in hell for eternity.
Sometimes I try to forgive. Sometimes I think I am able, with God's help. But always it returns to this anger and hatred.
He stole my childhood. No, the past cannot be changed. But nor can I seem to get rid of this rage.
I cannot rationally blame you because I know you did not know, yet the child within me SCREAMS you should have known.
Holly
Linda MacRae's Story
Posted 3/3/05
THE SECRET COMES OUT!
What Is Child Sexual Abuse?
"Child sexual abuse is defined as an act imposed on a child who lacks emotional, maturational, and cognitive development. The ability to lure a child into a sexual relationship is based upon the all-powerful and dominant position of the adult or older adolescent perpetrator, which is in sharp contrast to the child's age, dependency, and subordinate position. Authority and power enable the perpetrator, implicitly or directly, to coerce the child into sexual compliance. (Sgroi, Blick, & Porter, 1982, p. 9).
I have buried this time and time again but it still returns to the surface of my life, haunting me, a ghost of the past. What key it has to open the doors of the future I do not know and I am unsure about. But, I do know, and I think I have always known, that secrets hold power, a negative power. Secrets give the perpetrator the power to continue to manipulate situations to their advantage and satisfaction at the expense of others.
To intentionally hurt others is totally against my being and against the law of life itself. As an adult, I have tried to live to my best, not always so as a young adult and not always succeeding as an adult, always making many wrong choices. The constant giving of myself to those that need, whatever that may be and over my own desires at times, I realize now, was due to common threads of the past that patterned me to behave as I have.
I NO LONGER GIVE MY POWER AWAY!
I sit here in the corner of an empty, expansive open field, surrounded by woods, the sun beating down at me and the wind roaring all around me, at peace, hoping to remain alone today to get this out on paper before my courage turns into weakness and my voice goes unheard again. In this place close to nature, I am most at peace, knowing how small I am in the scheme of things and not sure of my place. My hope is to become one with nature, camouflaged by the trees, so no one can see me and no one steps off the path through the woods curious as I was to find this spot. A beautiful waterfall, continuously pounding the rocks below, that drew me here, seemingly miles away, and completely oblivious!
I do not know when it all started. My parents told me I was born out of love. My Mom carried me, but my Dad had the pain as the story goes, around the same time Marilyn Bell was swimming across Lake Ontario. They were not the most loving people and I am not sure what the word love meant to them.
My recollections go back to being a baby and my older brother consistently helped my mother look after me. I distinctly remember being in the living room of the house I grew up in and my Mom still owns, my brother, lifting me up on his shoulders as I giggled and screamed with delight. I remember him stepping into the dining room and turning me around and putting his mouth between my legs and blowing. I remember feeling the heat of his breath through my clothes and still giggling as most kids would. This came to me long after I was grown and is the earliest memory I have and which haunts me as the start of sexual abuse in my life.
My Mom always praised my brother and said he was always such a great help to her raising me, always wanting to change me, bath me and look after me.
We lived in a dysfunctional house much like many others I found later, but for me then, it was a normal as normal could be. My father worked as a truck driver, which was eventually bought out by another company and drove for 40 years. He was on the road for weeks at a time, with many stories of his own. He had many previous opportunities and trades and his name is probably still on the drawings and blueprint for a famous parkway, or Death Valley as we called it and is probably still called today. He tried many things but stuck with driving, it paid well and I am sure relaxed him, to be away from his life and six kids way back then. He was tired and grumpy most of the time and as soon as he walked through the door my mother would start complaining about us kids and how bad we were.
I was the second born, eleven years difference between my brother and me; then she had four more, a year to two apart. A handful for sure and there was always something going on. I do not know when the verbal abuse started, it was always there, or the first time my Dad hit her or us. It was a frequent thing that went on behind closed doors and was the norm. As an older child, I remember nonchalantly waiting for the ambulance and for my mother to get up off the floor after my Dad called her stupid and knocked her down. I grew up fearful and terrified of him as we all were and resentful for my Mom telling him we were bad and also turning a blind eye to the things that went on, though many years later I understood her pain and his.
My brother molested me most of my young life. Our basement lay unfinished for many years and he use to take me down there and pull off my panties and play with me and introduced me to an unspeakable act. I know as a child it felt good to be with my older brother and he made me feel good, not knowing anything was wrong with this; it carried on for years and years as ‘our’ secret. My brother threatened me with my father’s violence and mothers telling when it did become something that did not seem quite right.
It was a constant, daily part of my life as was the verbal and physical abuse at our parent’s hands, something I held as a secret for many years.
My mother would let him look after me while she tended to other things and the other kids. He changed me, dressed me, bathed me and put me to bed. I remember baths with the others, though I don’t remember if anything happened to them so much. Most times we were alone. He made me touch him and he touched me. He would put me to bed at night, say good night to Mom, and sneak back into my room, he hid in the closet if he heard her coming. As soon as things were quiet again he would come out or after I fell asleep, I would be awakened with him pulling off my covers and lifting my nightgown to my neck, assaulted me nightly. It got so I could not sleep and feared him coming and hiding in my room or getting caught and the having the wrath of my parents focused on me as he manipulated me to believe. I prayed he would leave me alone but he did not. It got so I would fake sleep, close my eyes tight and pretend I was somewhere else, wait for him to finish his sexual assault, and put it out of my mind.
As I got older, in the bathroom, he would sneak in, and assaulted me as I went to the bathroom. I remember a couple of close calls of almost getting caught, his finger hushing me to be quiet until he managed to sneak out, sometimes hiding in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. He walked out into my Mom once and lied and said he mistakenly walked in on me when it became uncomfortable due to my age for him to be with me. Day after day and night after night it was the same thing and went on for years. He babysat us and so it was easy for him to do what he wanted. When my parents were out and as the others watched TV, he would take me downstairs.
The wrath of my parents got worse as we all were pummeled with obscenities, spanked and slapped routinely, the closest body part always feeling the sting. Slapping us across the face or head was popular by both of them and I remember my Dad taking a 2x4 to the boys, for whatever reason now I don’t remember, sometimes there was no reason. Dinnertime was a time of foreboding as someone always got in trouble. We were taught to shut up, as kids, were to be seen and not heard and forced to eat what was in front of us to the point of being sick at the table. I remember many times when my Dad would yell at me, I would stand there terrified and pee myself, and then he would humiliate me even more. I was luckier than the boys; only for the fact my father didn’t physically hurt me as much, because I was a girl. We grew up called stupid and many words I never understood until much later.
A reprieve from my brother came when he was charged along with another boy for rape of a girl he took out. Unfortunately, the girl’s reputation, though none I am sure, was presented as if she asked for it and was believed over my brothers and his friend’s lies. Though, this was kept from us, I only got bits and pieces of the conversations and accusations made, it was difficult not to hear what was going on, it was a big mistake in our house! It was many years later that my mother confirmed this. My father beat him good over that and he was sent away to the army. When he came back, things resumed with me.
He eventually got married and had two girls of his own, to this day; they do not talk to him. I felt guilt of not finding my voice and the courage to tell then, as I am sure he did the same to them as me as there was sexual abuse of some nature over them that came out much later.
I do not remember what age I was when I was told to baby sit, 10-12 years, but though I protested, you ended up doing what you were told in our household, whether you liked it or not. I was expected to baby sit my brothers girls on a regular basis. Even with a wife, it did not matter, the sexual abuse continued. He would drive me home after babysitting, but always stopped on the back, country roads, he had many favorite spots, and he seemed to know them all, and would molest me all the while I begging him to take me home. He would tell me after, we won’t be long and he would drive me home after, it was always after. I felt powerless to do anything and to his bidding told him I liked it and it felt good though wishing he would hurry and just take me home. I never knew how long we were but it happened every time I babysat without fail. I came to know the back roads pretty well.
When he dropped me off home, a few times his wife at the time had called looking for him, He always had an excuse, he had to stop for cigarettes or gas, or would tell her he came in five minutes after she called, a lie, and stopped to chat and have coffee with Mom and would be home soon. I don’t remember my mother ever questioning him. When I babysat, and his wife was finishing up getting ready to go out, he would come into the room while I changed the girls and play with them blowing on them to make them laugh as he did me. His wife’s younger sister came from Scotland to stay with them around the time I became more and more resistant and realized this was not normal for brother and sister. One night while driving me home, he started his same routine and I pulled a small knife and I threatened him and that I would tell if he didn’t take me straight home and if he ever tried to touch me again.
That was the end of the sexual abuse of me but I believe from an argument that ensued later on with my parents, he got caught sexually abusing his wife’s sister. That was the end of their marriage. Again, he was charged with something, served time, but released from jail he moved back in with my parents. It was at this time when he also tried to abuse my younger sister who was also taken to that famous deserted spot, but as an older child manages to resist him.
Though this time and still presently as far as I know he is still working as janitor or in maintenance with the local school board. He was definitely in his element allowing him to gain trust and the ability to access and continue to molest innocent children. There have been many allegations. He eventually married again but the abuse continues and she is just as abusive and manipulating as him, they deserve each other.
Going back to my young life, it was dreadful living in constant fear and with no control over anything including my body. I rarely slept well, did terrible in school, barely passing into high school and was withdrawn most of the time. I hated and feared my parents and I spent hours in my room crying and praying nightly to die. I was called a slut, whore and more long before I knew what that meant and out of fear I continued to suppress the secret I held.
And so that life ended and a new one began…
One filled with self-destruction, sex, drugs and alcohol. I have had many hurtful relationships continuing the cycle of abuse, repeatedly with verbally and physically abusive men. I identify with many women’s issues first hand, rape, attempted suicide, abortion, miscarriage, failed marriages, divorce, single parenting, living in poverty, re-education with many change of careers and employment issues, I have gone from making 8.00 hour to 100.00 hour and back again constantly trying to prove to myself that I was not the failure I felt I grew up as.
After my Dad died, I tried to let the truth out. My mother was totally in denial about anything happening to me, herself also growing up being sexually abused and my sister confirming to me that he had also tried with her and got no where, but verifying the truth. Things fell into place, but my brother of course denying it ever happened, as I am sure he always will and getting away with these crimes unscathed.
Still, I am dealing with those repercussions of my early life and of those that came after telling, left totally on my own, the loss of family and friends, and with many health issues, both mine and then later my daughters including her misdiagnosis and experimental surgery that has left her permanently handicapped and legally blind and also the future unknown. I have, it seems, always been looking for guidance, advice and some direction or purpose in my life. Many times, stripped of everything decent that lead to the lowest possible point in my life and I find myself here once again so many years later.
My story needs to be recognized to possibly stop the manipulation still going on within our family today and everyone needs to take responsibility for their part. My responsibility is to let this secret out. I feel driven to get this out and tell so many years later as difficult as it is. I have had more life experience then most have in a life time and my life has been affected in so many ways, so many lessons learned and I have been close but I have never given up.
Taking responsibility for my life now, to make the right choices, has lead me to my involvement and empowerment through alternative healing and that in itself has created a well of emotion that emanates deep down to my soul level. I have realized I have some healing to do on myself before I can move forward and this is it. My life, now almost 50 years later, is starting to make sense as I again begin the struggle to live and enjoy life. To feel the love of life I know is there as my life begins with accepting love of a good man that has come into my life, a gift to me, and the past laid out for all to see, a secret no more. I begin this struggle to accept that I am deserving of all good things that life has to offer.
It is time to let this secret out, put this to rest for me… take back my power and if in this, I can keep growing with it, if some good comes out of this, if I may be able to help others in similar circumstances, I can only hope. I feel my purpose here is to help and assist others through the same life crisis situations and if I can help just one person then I know the lessons learned in this life were well worth the chaos that was my life and though I wish this came out years ago and not so late in life, it is here, now, that my life begins. As I look around me, this place of nature is so much clearer and vibrating with life, life I fought so hard to ignore at one time and as I finish this story I feel elated and excited as the truth is out and will be denied no more… life is just beginning for me.
Linda MacRae
Dedicated to all the precious children around the world, always remember that no matter what happens to you it’s not your fault, don’t keep it a secret; break the silence.
Jann's Story
Posted 5/20/04
We NEVER talked about sex in our house. Sex was considered nasty and wrong and we just never talked about it. We never talked about periods or boys kissing girls or anything that every young girl should know about.
Mother turned 85 in January and she still doesn’t know. Why can’t I tell her? Why can’t I tell her her sons were monsters? Because we’ve never talked about sex and to do so would be wrong.
She still talks about them like they were saints. I say, “Were” because they are both dead. They both died horrible deaths. They say that you die the way that you lived.
It took almost 40 years for me to deal with the pedophiles in my life. It was like a light was turned on in a room that had been dark for over 35 years. It’s so hard to explain. My only consolation is that they were both dead when the light came on. I don’t know what I would have done if I would have had to face them with the “light on.” I thank God for this every day.
When I first discovered the truth, for the longest time I couldn’t get past the fact that it was my own brothers. Yeah, they are half brothers, but they were my Big brothers and shouldn’t Big brothers protect their little sisters? That is the hardest part for me to deal with. HOW COULD THEY?!
They told me in therapy that tragedies started in my life when my grandmother died. My mother came from her womb and I, from my mother’s. I guess I should start from way back when my mother was young.
Mother is the youngest of six children, the daughter of cotton farmers in the deep south of Arkansas. In 1921, when she was 14 months old, her mother burned to death in front of her and three of her sisters. My grandmother was making lye soap on the cook stove when her clothing caught fire and went up in flames instantly. When my grandfather and uncle had returned from town, they found her dead on the ground. She was only 36.
After a series of stepmothers, all of who were abusive, my mother became an orphan when her father died of malaria in 1927. After her father’s funeral, her stepmother left the cemetery with her own family, and left my mother and siblings to fend for themselves. My mother and her father both contracted malaria from the “great flood of 1927.” ??????
Her older brother, George, then raised my mother. George was very strict and he took his role as parent very seriously. He had four younger sisters to rear.
At age 16, my mother was tired of George’s rules. She met an older man named Clyde and they married. At age 17 she became a mother. She continued having children, including twin sons, one of which, Danny Ray, became ill and died an infant, these twins were fathered by her husband’s cousin. This was a forty-five year family secret until one day my brother (the remaining twin) confronted her. Still not able to talk about such things, she instead wrote him a letter. Clyde died at age 36 of cancer. She’s alone again except for the six children.
Mother then married my father – after she became pregnant with my sister, Mickey. My father moved her and all of her children “up north” to a 100-acre cherry farm. This is where all of the evil and the nightmares for my sisters and me began.
My parents’ marriage was tumultuous to say the least. After about five years, Mother left. I was 2 years old and my sister Mickey was 5. The divorce was as bitter as the marriage. Mickey suffered a lot of emotional abuse during this time. In 1957, there weren’t many divorces. Growing up in the 60’s with divorced parents was a stigma in itself.
Mother moved into town and had to go to work to support herself and her kids. I, being the youngest, was left with whoever was around. And guess who that would be? My older brothers. A pedophile’s dream comes true!
I don’t have a crystal clear memory of the sexual abuse. I have flashes of memories. I have sounds in my head that don’t go away. Screaming, lots of screaming; FEAR, lots and lots of FEAR. To this day, if someone walks up behind me, I jump out of my skin. I always have the feeling someone is behind me. There are times when I feel someone behind me and I have to search my whole house to make sure no one is there.
The abuse was constant for a couple of years. How does a mother not know? How does a mother not see her daughters are in pain? I am only talking about me here. For my sisters, it lasted much longer. And for the others whose lives they destroyed, I can’t say.
I know both brothers molested their own daughters! Terry had three daughters; Jerry had two daughters from his first two marriages. He molested both of them. One daughter is now dead and the other is a hopeless alcoholic. Jerry spent time in prison for molesting a stepdaughter of his third wife. His third wife divorced him while in prison, but he was released and continued his evil. He molested our niece, Judy, when she was 16.
My sister Sandy may have been the first. She never told on them. They threatened her and she was a confused child. She was afraid of them too. She actually had to hide at night to escape their relentless abuse. Sandy feels guilty to this day. She feels that if she would have told, maybe she could have saved Mickey and me, not to mention all of the others we know about, and those we don’t know about. I’m not mad at her; she was just a child too. She suffers the traumatic affects of molestation and guilt to this day.
In 1971, Terry died in a car accident when I was 16. I’ll never forget that night. I had been to a Jesus Christ Superstar concert at St. Francis Church. It was 1 a.m. when the State Police pulled up in front of our house. I was still awake and I saw the red flashing lights outside my window. I didn’t want to go to the door; I knew whatever it was couldn’t be good. I heard some voices downstairs and then I heard my mother slowly climbing the stairs, holding the railing and whaling, “Terry is dead.” My sister Mickey and I were the only ones still living at home. Mickey, in her fragile mental state, couldn’t deal with any of it and took off into the night in her car. I don’t know where she went. The State Police wanted my mother to go to the Hospital to identify the body. She said she was too distraught and didn’t want to see him. The two troopers took me in their car and we drove to the hospital. We got outside the room where he was lying on a stretcher and it hit me that I didn’t want to see him either. I had thought I was strong enough but it dawned on me when I got there, that I was scared. I told the troopers I couldn’t do it, and they each took an arm and ushered me into the room. I looked at him and said, “That’s him.” I cried for weeks after that. No one even noticed.
I believe this incident was abusive. What Mother sends their child to do such a task?
I became more and more depressed and I left home at 17 and moved in with my high school boyfriend. He was very abusive -- verbally, sexually, emotionally, you name it. He stole my virginity and then accused me of not being a virgin.
At that point, I began to have emotional breakdowns after every sexual encounter. I would go into the bathroom, cry and cry and ask myself, “Why am I crying?! What is going on?!!” I had no idea why. I would then question my past, but thought that surely I would know if something had happened to me. I would compose myself and go back to bed like nothing was wrong. There was something terribly wrong. This went on for 30 years!
Relationships have always been hard for me. Someone once said to me, “Jann, you sure can get the men, you just can’t keep them.” I’ve never forgotten that. It really wasn’t that I couldn’t keep them as much as I didn’t want to keep them. I married my boyfriend when I turned 20. Two months later, I knew I had made a mistake. The marriage lasted six years and ended in disaster. I had a two year-old, the same age I was when my parents divorced. I worked very hard to keep my son. He was the joy of my life. I was determined he would be happy and not suffer from the divorce and feel neglected the way I did while growing up. I tried to keep him safe at all times.
My depression was debilitating but, at the time, no one ever talked about depression. People thought I was moody. I became very promiscuous in my twenties; something I had never done before – I was always afraid of sex. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough. I believe I was looking for love and I believed that someone would fall in love with me if I had sex with them. How warped is that?
In 1992, my Big brother Jerry committed suicide. He had had a couple of strokes, which totally took away his manhood. He was so macho that he couldn’t handle being a cripple. He lived alone and he died alone. My sister Nina found him. I never cried when he died. I felt sad for my Mother, losing her third son, but other than that, I never cried. I still don’t cry for him.
After he died, my Father died the following March. After my Father died, my sister Mickey (who was so ill with depression) committed suicide. She lived alone and she died alone. She finally gave up trying to live life as she so very ill. I still grieve for her. After Mickey died in June of 1996, my sister Nina’s husband died of a brain tumor in October. Then, their daughter, my niece that Jerry molested, died of AIDS in December at age 36. A year later, Nina had a massive heart attack and was dead by the time she hit the floor. The three of them are buried together.
And finally, my sister Shirley, the first born, the eldest of all of us, died of pancreatic cancer, six months to the day of when the doctor told her she had six months to live. And then there were three.
I don’t know who hurt my brothers. I don’t know why they chose to be monsters. They say that to be a pedophile you were abused yourself. I was abused and I am not a pedophile.
There are three of us left; my brother Denny, the surviving twin, my sister Sandy, and me. We all suffered under the hands of Terry and Jerry. They were relentless in their physical and verbal abuse. They did everything from calling us hurtful names to sexual abuse-it never stopped.
So on Sunday, I’ll take my Mother to church for Mother’s Day and I won’t say anything about her sons.
How can such a huge lie stay buried for so long? I don’t know. I think that we have all tried to protect my Mother.
I learned in therapy that I was very angry at my Mother for years. I try not to be angry anymore. I learned that we can Honor our Mothers and Fathers without necessarily even liking them.
-Jann
Family Loyalty…How far should it go?
Posted 5/12/04
Something went horribly wrong with my family when I was about six years old. It concerned a matter that had to do with my Dad and my sister’s best friend. That little girl was eight. I heard scary unfamiliar words such as judge, lawyer and court. What did they think he did to her?
Thank goodness at that age you cannot think of all the sordid possibilities. He went to court and came home the same day. So, in my young mind, there was no question about his innocence.
After that court date, my Dad developed a substance abuse problem…alcohol. During one of his binges, he confessed to his AA sponsor that he was guilty of molesting the little girl years before. He just lucked out by having a good lawyer. My Mother became his self-imposed jailer. He stayed on the wagon for many years till my Mother died and in an alcoholic blitz, he sexually molested two young girls who were his neighbors. My father then proceeded to drink himself into oblivion and died. Frankly, in my opinion, taking the coward’s way out.
When I got married, I thought I had gotten away from all that. I felt comforted thinking I finally had a stable family, and people to look up to! Oh brother was I wrong. The first hint of trouble came when my husband’s uncle was arrested for allegedly molesting his Granddaughter. Many members of this family did not believe the young victim. I had a very good reason for thinking he did it. You see Uncle Tim had tried to get me to have sexual intercourse with him some time before that. When I told my husband about getting propositioned by his uncle, he asked me, “What do you want me to do about it? Do you want me to cause a ruckus and get everyone mad?”
The next ugly head to show itself had to do with Uncle Pete. We heard Uncle Pete had moved out west and when he arrived there he was promptly arrested by the Federal Marshals and transported back to Minnesota for allegedly molesting two of his daughters. His oldest daughter Jane had gotten wind somehow that her Dad, Uncle Pete, was molesting her younger half sister! So she stepped out of the dark at the risk of being shunned or excommunicated by the family for speaking out. Jane told the authorities she was sexually molested from the age of three until she was fourteen, when she had finally had enough and said “No More”! Her brother saw at least one time when his father did some unspeakable sexual act to his sister. When Jane had told an aunt and uncle what was happening to her during that time period, in which she was being molested, she was told to keep her thoughts to herself because her Dad could go to prison for saying such things.
After the arrest of her Dad, things got very rough for Jane. There were notes left on her car telling her she had better stop her lying. She was not invited to family functions and one family member confronted her in a parking lot and told her to…knock off the lies, she was just mad at her boyfriend for taking her virginity and was trying to blame someone else. This man only served two years for ripping apart two lives. To this day a lot of the family members think she is lying.
Cousin Phillip and cousin Stan were arrested for molesting young girls some time later. There were two more uncles that give off the impression that there is something very dark hidden beneath the surface. This family I married in to reprimanded none of these people for their actions. Instead, what they did was ignored these incidents and/or the incidents were defended.
Surprised at how so many Child Molesters could be in one family? I think I may have found the answer when I talked to Jane. When Jane and her sister were very young, their grandfather sexually molested both of them in one night. This old man was a Child Molester; he seemed to have passed it from generation to generation. What a horrible legacy to hand down. What these pedophiles do, cannot be seen by the naked eye. It is the victim who must carry this burden the rest of their lives!
Even though my Father never touched me sexually, he left deep scars by what he had done. So, I consider myself part of this tragic group. We have to learn how to control these emotions instead of the emotions controlling us, by using therapy and sometimes medication! If you ask me, I believe the law should have much stiffer penalties for the Crime. Maybe then, these animals would think twice before touching and damaging that next innocent life!
Ann Reinen
Author of: I'm Not That Way Anymore
Published by: Publish America
Mission statement: “To Stop Child Abuse Before It Happens”
jeper0077@yahoo.com
Laurel's Story
I grew up in a large family, five boys and five girls. My parents also took in foster children. It was often a full house. My memory is void of being held in my mothers arms although I imagine I surely must have been as an infant. I saw very little love, yet I still held the pure love deep inside of me sacred. I never lost sight of that. I learned to suppress it, as I was constantly exposed the hate, something I couldn't recognize. I was eventually able to process what hate was, and seperated myself from it the best I could. When I was four years old, 2 men on seprate occassions sexually abuse me! I was very young and don't remember it clearly, only disturbing flashbacks. I didn't seek counseling until my mid twenties which helped greatly. I was able to face it and acknowledge it and let it go.
I was not close to my mother, although I felt dependent on her, so afraid and so alone all of my childhood. There was a lot of physical, and verbal/emotional abuse. Three of us girls were often lined up on the sofa and beaten with a belt, forced to confess to things we didn't do wrong like; who farted? I thought my mother hated me as she caused so much pain to me physically and emotionally. Most of all, she was breacking my heart. Her words are etched in my mind still today "It was you wasn't it, it's always you...I wish you were never born. I'm going to send you away to a wefare home where you will be beaten a lot worse than you are now and I will never come for you. You will amount to NOTHING"!
Memories still haunt me seeing my mother tie my sister to the bed with bandages, also, being told I would be put down the "pit" in the back yard and covered with boards and her making my brothers dangle me down there. I was terrified! One night, one piece of her choclate was missing from the fridge. She knew that as she kept count of her chocolate. Seeing one was missing, she hit the roof.She lined the three girls up against the sofa and beat us with the belt all the while demanding that one of us confess. I remember the cries from each of us "no mummy, it wasn't me" but she just kept whipping us, over and over and over again screaming abusive words at us. This time she kept hitting me in the same place, it hurt so bad I could no longer stand the pain. I knew if I confessed, I would only get a few more for getting my sisters beaten, and the she would send me to my room. Although I was not guilty, I confessed. She beat me some more, verbally assaulted me more and sent me to my room.
I laid down on my stomach, my back and legs were stinging. I cried. My brother came down and told me he knew it wasn't me becasue he saw another sister do it. I cried and told him "yes, it wasn't me but please don't tell mum or I will get beaten again for lying". He did go tell my mother and I heard my sister being beaten again, and the she came down into our room and lay on her bed crying "it wasn't me, why did you say that"? My mother then came down with a hot drink and a jar of cream. There was no "I'm Sorry", just..."I knew it wasn't you, but I wanted your sister to confess". I didn't take her drink, I didn't respond to her! She just put this cream on my back that stung really bad and left. I remember having to peel the sheet off my back the next morning. Some years later, my brother confessed that it was he who had stolen the chocolate.
I spent my childhood wishing someone would come and take me away from all this hate and just give me unconditional love. I fantasized about running away and living in a hollow tree alone, but, I was conditioned to be depndent upon my mother. I suffered from panic attacks and low self esteem. In my school reports, it was clear I was a victim of abuse with comments such as "Laurel is an extremely withdrawn child, who lacks in confidence, she seems to be in a world of her own. Her results are cause for great concern"! My self worth and confidence were stripped from me, I lived in fear! I spent almost every night shaking in bed crying to God "please, please make it go away"!
Today I am a single parent living with my three children and have been doing it alone for six years. I have struggled financially, which has only added to the stress of parenting. I have been turned down for assistance on occassion, left with nothing to feed my children. From the icy cold of winter, to the scorching heat of the summer sun beating down on me, I have walked my children to school, one on my back, the other beside me. But, the most difficult of all combined with all the other stress has been, my struggle with coming to terms with my childhood abuse, finding myself in the same shoes of the parent who has only known one way of life...ABUSE! The difference in her and I being, when that moment came, and I was standing there with a belt in "my" hand looking down at my innocent child's eys spilling tears, I knew, "I", was crossing the line between love and hate, right and wrong! I found myself in my mothers shoes, looking down at myself, and I knew I couldn't break my child, I knew "I" couldn't inflict this pain "I" knew all too well. I went to my room, closed the door and cried all of my childhood pain out. I returned to my child, dropped to my knee's, took him into my arms and we both cried. I told him I was sorry. From that moment on, I vowed to never cross that line. I seperated myself from my childhood abuse. I questioned "my" methods and found a way to transform my own experience into love. I looked in the face of truth, without judgement and this brought to me awareness.
The understanding that my mother was also a victim of this vicious cycle of abuse was the key to my forgiveness. The damage cannot be undone, but the cycle of abuse can be broken and a new family relationsip can be created based on love and understanding. Although I still do not have a close relationship with my mother, I do lover her dearly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyndi's Story
I am a child abuse survivor. As a mother, I have made sure the pattern of abuse will not be repeated in my son’s life. I am well aware of what to look for in a perpetrator/abuser, and I have made sure that my child is aware of all the signs and things to look out for because have been there myself, I can imagine nothing worse than having to watch my son go through the same torture I did. I know I have done the right thing in educating my child, as he has recently helped one of his friends who was sexually abused.
My son’s friend came to school one day, and he could tell there was something wrong. My son picked up on it, and got his friend to open up and tell him what had happened. As it turns out, my son’s friend babysat for a former teacher the previous weekend, and over the course of that weekend, the teacher sexually abused him. My son supported his friend and encouraged him to tell the school counselor and his mother. Two weeks later, the perpetrator was arrested on four counts and held at $200, 000.00 bail. Two weeks after that, two more boys came forward and told police that the teacher had molested them in the past. The teacher is still in jail, with his bail set at $400,000.00.
I am so pleased that I taught my son what to look for in abusers as well as in abuse victims. It is my prayer that one day it will not be so common for our children to be abused. I will never be able to stress enough the importance of educating our children and letting them know that there is safety in telling and that their voices will be heard.
There was a bit more to this story too! I was furious with what was happening in the media as the news was reporting a one sided story. They were getting information from the teachers, neighbors, former students and various people throughout the school district saying how shocked they were. I marched right down to the school in the dark and in pouring rain. I told the News Caster they needed to hear the other side. How this kind, friendly, popular, wonderful teacher did in fact fit the profile of an abuser. He was well liked in the community, accepted by students, staff and community, a nice man, married with his own kids etc, etc. I also said how sad it is that in our community; we first run to the aide of the adult and don’t listen to our children. People stated the young boy was lying, that it was all too unbelievable. I stated: “when will we embrace our children and protect them? When will we put a stop to child abuse and quit protecting the adults just because we don’t want to face the fact that it does happen in our community”? I was so glad I did this. I wanted to support that young boy, as I knew what it felt like to have nobody defend me.
####Information Policy####
Leaps and Bounds, Inc. Reserves to use submitted material for a variety of purposes. In this way, the use of real indentity information is optional. Leaps and Bounds, Inc. may edit or refuse to post any material for any reason.
LINKS AND PICS
Stop crimes against children worldwide by booking on of our educational speaking events. Choos "Book A Speaking Event" from the link list below for more information.
Additionally, your purchase of "So, What's Normal" is used to help and protect children from the global wounds of child abuse.
To Donate: Call (231) 929-3223
email: rjh3223@chartermi.net
Buy "So, What's Normal"?
Child Molestation Prevention
Our Team
Mothers Against Sexual Abuse
The Brutal Truth Ezine
Book A Speaking Event
My Life, A Photo Journal
Rhonnies "My Space"
Wounded Healer Journal
Get A Webiste Like This!
NEW EVENTS
Join us for Wednesday’s weekly broadcast of
Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence
An Internet radio talk show sponsored by Darkness to Light
Click here for show listings
Visit Darkness To Light
About the Show
This show is dedicated to providing a safe forum where people can share ideas about preventing, recognizing and reacting responsibly to child sexual abuse.
Upcoming Show Information for Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Show Time
2:00 p.m. (PST) / 5:00 p.m. (EST)
Host
Kathleen Brooks, Ph.D. (http://www.ethicalife.com)
Guest
Rhonnie Hodge (www.livingafterabuse.com)
Topic
LIFE AFTER PEDOPHILIA, ABUSE AND NEGLECT
To talk with our guest, call our toll-free number:
888-300-8626
To schedule an event please email rjh3223@chartermi.net
Radio Shows
In 2004 Rhonnie launched a national radio campaign to increase awarness about child abuse.
She was invited as a feature guest on the following stations.
March 31, 04
KWYR "Focus 1260 Show" with Marsha Raye Winner, South Dakota
March 31, 04
WJMS "Sam in the Morning" with Sam Erspamer" Ironwood, Michigan
April 6, 04
WVCC "Keepin it Real" with Uncle Rich Newnan, Georgia
April 7, 04
Sydicated Radio "Adelines Chronicles" w/Adeline Stevens
Framingham, Massachusetts
April 7, 04
WSPT "Afternoon Show" with Vince Jericho Stevens Point,
Wisconsin
April 8, 04
WDVR "Healthy Lifestyles" with Susan Lembo Sergeantsville, New Jersey
April 10, 04
WFNT "All About Health" with Mike Gaylord Burton, Michigan
April 13, 04
WJON "The Midday Show" with Kelli Gorr St.Cloud, Minnesota
April 15, 04
WJGA/WKKP Don Earnhart Jackson, Georgia
April 20, 04
WZYX "Sound Off" with Jeff Pennington Cowan, Tennessee
April 20, 04
WDLB "Insight" with Ryan Lindsey Marshfield, Wisconsin
April 22, 04
LA Connection "Louisiana Live" with Don Grady Baton Rouge, Louisiana
April 23, 04
KWLN "Sun Rise Show" with Bill Dean Willmar, Minnesota
April 27, 04
KORN "Let's Talk" with Clint Greenway Mitchell, South Dakota
April 29, 04
WMXL Brandon Vogt Carthage, Missouri
May 4, 04
KLFD "Plain Talk" with Brad Dehmlow Litchfield, Minnesota
May 9, 04/ May 16, 04
WAID "Crossroads" with John David Martin Clarksdale, Ms
May 16, 04
KLLI "Better Living" with Laurie Dodd Dallas, Tx
May 18, 04
WICH "Shelley Martin Show" with Shelley Martin Norwich, Connecticut
May 19, 04
KBAR "In the Dark" with Bill Shield Rupert, Idaho
June 14, 04
WNOO "Street Talk" with Jamie Hancock Chatanooga, Tennessee
June 14, 04
KBUR "The Carl and Don Show" with Carl and Steve Burlington, Iowa
June 29, 04
WSGC "The Morning Drive" with Sean Gibson Elberton, Georgia
July 8, 04
WFAD Germaine and Jae Middleberry, Vermont
July 21, 04
WILO "Party Line" with Ben Williams Frankfurt, Indiana
July 27, 04
WPDR "Party Line" with Susan Gamble Portage, Wisconsin
July 30, 04
Speaking LIVE in Roswell, New Mexico 'Rally for Cody Posey'
August 5, 04
KAHI "Popp Off" with Mary Jane Popp Auburn, California
August 7, 04
WKBN "Saturday Morning with Morris Ray" with Morris Ray Youngstown, Ohio
Aug.11, 04
KWYR "Focus 1260 Show" with Marsha Raye Winner, South Dakota
August 26, 04
CHRS Dial-Internet & Radio Watts "Journeys with Rebecca" with Rebecca Jernigan Overland Park, Kansas
October 2, 04
Speaking LIVE in Las Cruces, New Mexico 'Rally Against Abuse'
November 4, 04
Speaking LIVE in Traverse City, Michigan 'Wedgwood Charity Dinner'
URGENT REPORT
Free Report: What do Child Molesters Look Like?
Rhonnie author of "So, What's Normal?" says...
Have you ever wondered what a person who physically, sexually, or mentally abuses children looks like? Most of us have a picture in our heads of some creepy, monster-type, who you can spot a mile away. Statistics show, though, that the average male who sexually abuses children is a mirror image of the average American male.
Admitted Child Molesters vs All American Men
Married or formerly married 77% 73%
Some College 46% 49%
High School Graduate 30% 32%
Working 65% 64%
Religious 93% 93%
Sources: The Abel and Harlow Child Molestation Prevention Study and the 1999 U.S. Census Statistical Abstract. Chart taken from The Stop Child Molestation Book, by Gene G. Abel, M.D. and Nora Harlow (Xlibris, 2001)
So, to put the statistics in to words: Child Molesters are very similar to the average American male in most ways. They are equally married, educated, employed and religious as the general American male population. Furthermore, each ethinic group has child molesters among them, and again, the percentages bear a close resembleance to the U.S. Census. Does this mean that the average American male is a child molester? No, but it does mean that the child molesters among us are virtually invisible. That is a scary thought. Pair that with the statistics showing that 10%of child sexual assaults are committed by strangers, but a staggering 90% are committed by family members and known acquaintances, and that's enough for almost any parent to not want to let their children out of their sight. According to The Stop Child Molestation Book, by Gene G. Abel, M.D. and Nora Harlow, it is estimated that there are 42 MILLION adult survivors of child molestation, and 3 MILLION children currently being sexually abused in this country, and for every one case of child molestation reported to the authorities, there are at least two that go unreported. Child molestation is an EMERGENCY.
With such staggering statistics, and an invisible enemy, many parents are left wondering "How can I protect my child?" The answer is as simple as education. Educate yourself, so you can educate your children. Knowledge is the key to end the epidemic of child molestation. We highly recomend The Stop Child Molestation Book, by Gene G. Abel, M.D. and Nora Harlow (Xlibris, 2001).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What You Can Do To Protect Your Children
Know The Facts
1. Teach your children good touch vs bad touch! Don't just teach them where "they" should not be touched, but include where "they" should never touch another person, even when they are asked to by somebody they love and trust. When talking to your child/children, include yourself in this equation like: "even if mommy/daddy did this you have to go and tell another grownup or mommy/daddy will not get better...Even if I beg you not to tell, you must tell or I will never get better"! I found this very effective.
2. Let your child know they can ALWAYS get help from you! Reassure them of this, even if the person who is touching or asking to be touched IS somebody they love and trust. Remind your child to tell you even if they were just "asked" to be touched or asked to touch somebody else.
3. Take Any incident Seriously! If you go to the molester and "confront" him, he will lie. You must report this incident to the proper Authorities! WE MUST All do this, even if the person is "your" husband, boyfriend, son, brother, grandfather, another sibling 3 years or older than the victim, best friends husband, etc. Remember, the child molester WILL NOT STOP on their own. We all have to take responsibility for "other" children who will become a risk around this molester. We must never make an excuse for this type of behavior. The excuse you may make, will become their enabler to molest later!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Your Child "Does" Disclose This Information To You, How Do You Deal With It?
1. Above all, let your child know they did the right thing and you are proud of them for telling. Let them know how BRAVE they are and you are on their side!
2. Report any and ALL incidents. This is not a situation to be taken lightly!
3. Do Not get outwardly emotional in front of the child. Stay calm and collected.
4. Protect your child from the abuser as well as those who are on the abuser's side. By this I mean others may, and usually do say nasty things about the child and accuse them of being the liar, a troublemaker, just needing attention, etc. Keep your child from these people, even if you must stop attending family functions. The only exception to this rule is if the family member is a sibling. This is where family counseling counts!
5. Seek Counseling as a family as well as individual counseling for the child! This childs healing depends on you!
*** There is a 90% chance that the child molester you are now confronted with is a family member or close family friend whom you love and care about also! This does cause family divisions. You have to be brave for your child and do the right thing in this incident. You cannot cave in to "peer" pressure from other family members. Your initial reaction to this situation is Crucial! "But, how can I possibly react reasonably", you may ask? Practice! Even though you may think this will never happen in your family. Practice "your" reaction until you are clear of what to say and what to do if your child is molested! REMEBER...Your child is only a child once and deserves the best childhood you can provide them! You don't get a second chance to raise your children, It has to be done right the first time!
*Our homes must be a safe environment for our children, and they need to feel they will be protected from danger! When there is a molestation, the child must always feel they have the full support from you and their siblings. Following these steps will "Help Your Child Triumph Over Sexual Abuse"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What You Can Do To Help The Child Molester In Your Family
1. It is REALLY important to know what you and your family members can do to help the molester in your family! Did you know there is now TREATMENT that is 88% effective for the sexual abusers of children? Getting the abusers to effective treatment with a "sex-specific therapist" is one of the most protective things that we can do for children!
2. Family members need to use every pressuring tactic they have at their disposal to insist that the family abuser recieve effective treatment from a "sex-specific therapist"-- not only to protect the children in the abuser's family, but also any and all other children in his or her future path. This is the other piece of what families must do besides helping the child victim or adult survivor to Heal !
3. This is Certainly not easy (or possible in some cases), but it certainly should be the goal !
Don't Think that sending the abusers to treatment is "going easy" on the abusers as that is the wrong way to look at it. Getting the abuser to stop his abuse of children (only through treatment) is WHAT WILL protect the greatest number of kids both inside and outside the family.
Isn't this what we really want?