Living After Abuse
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After the trips to the store, he began to wait for everyone to be asleep. We all shared the same
bedroom at the time. My mother and stepfather's bed was in the same room as my sister and
my bunk bed. I was on the top. He would quietly get up and I would just pretend I was
asleep, because I didn't know what to do. He would slip his hands under my nightshirt
or panties and touch me, breathing heavily. Then he would go back to bed as if nothing
happened.
Truthfully, I only have 'blips' of exactly what occurred. I think my child mind was so traumatized
by the betrayal of my trust that I chose to 'repress' many things. I have little memory of my
1st-4th grade years. I remember distinctly being 3 and winning Little Miss Battle Creek, and I
remember Kindergarten so plainly and my kindergarten teacher, but I don't remember any
teachers from 1st - 4th grade. I remember very little of that entire 4 year period. Then my
memories pick up again at my 5th grade year. I do remember one last memory where I think
I stopped the abuse, and I began to understand more that what my stepfather was doing to
me was wrong and inappropriate. I remember him coming into the bedroom and it was while
my mother was taking care of my grandparents. I was laying on the bed and reading or
something. He kind of sprawled beside me and started talking absentmindedly and just took
his hand and began to touch my breasts and kept talking as if he was doing nothing. This
seemed to be his norm, and like I was under some kind of spell through that 4 years of my
childhood, I just went into the same denial zone and tried to convince myself what was
happening wasn't happening at all!
But this time, I felt deathly sick to my stomach and I grabbed his wrist and pushed him away,
and looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Stop it." He looked embarrassed and taken off
guard. He said nothing and got up and left the room. I believe that was the end of the sexual
abuse. I believe that was just before 5th grade. From that point on, he seemed to be a good
father, and provided for us, and was fun and most the time he just seemed to me to be like
an overgrown child that never grew up. I found out much later, that he was 6 years
younger than my mother, and when he married her, he was only 18 years old. I always
thought they were the same age! My mother hid it I guess because she was ashamed of it or
something.
I tried for most of those 4 years to protect my sister who was 2 years younger than I. When I
would hear him asking her if she wanted to go to the store with him, I would panic and insist I
go. It was better he did to me what he did, than her. I had to prevent her from being used if
at all possible, but the truth was, I was never fully certain I was able to keep him from doing
something to her. After all, I was just a kid myself.
I honestly believed in my child's mind that he probably only did these things to me. When I
chose to repress things, I couldn't consciously remember them anyway, and I can recall that
it was about 7th grade that I began to have 'flashbacks' and visions in my head and
horrible nightmares of the abuse. Despite the fact that my stepfather did everything with
this syrupy sweetness, with bribes of candy and ice cream, and spewing platitudes of
'love and niceness', I started having horrific nightmares at about the time the abuse
started. I also 'saw things' when I was awake.
I thought I was losing my mind, and I was so afraid to go to bed at night that I would stay
awake for hours and hours, trying not to fall asleep because I knew that I would be
assaulted with horrific sights once asleep. My Mom didn't understand the nightmares and
didn't see the symptoms I was beginning to exhibit as common symptoms of a sexually
abused child. I remember setting the woods on fire once where my stepfather used to take
me in the car....and the fire department came and all the neighbors were there, and when my
mother realized I was the reason for the fire, I was spanked and punished. At the time, I didn't
even realize why I set it on fire. I just knew the woods scared me and I hated them. I felt so
guilty and 'bad' for having done it.
bedroom at the time. My mother and stepfather's bed was in the same room as my sister and
my bunk bed. I was on the top. He would quietly get up and I would just pretend I was
asleep, because I didn't know what to do. He would slip his hands under my nightshirt
or panties and touch me, breathing heavily. Then he would go back to bed as if nothing
happened.
Truthfully, I only have 'blips' of exactly what occurred. I think my child mind was so traumatized
by the betrayal of my trust that I chose to 'repress' many things. I have little memory of my
1st-4th grade years. I remember distinctly being 3 and winning Little Miss Battle Creek, and I
remember Kindergarten so plainly and my kindergarten teacher, but I don't remember any
teachers from 1st - 4th grade. I remember very little of that entire 4 year period. Then my
memories pick up again at my 5th grade year. I do remember one last memory where I think
I stopped the abuse, and I began to understand more that what my stepfather was doing to
me was wrong and inappropriate. I remember him coming into the bedroom and it was while
my mother was taking care of my grandparents. I was laying on the bed and reading or
something. He kind of sprawled beside me and started talking absentmindedly and just took
his hand and began to touch my breasts and kept talking as if he was doing nothing. This
seemed to be his norm, and like I was under some kind of spell through that 4 years of my
childhood, I just went into the same denial zone and tried to convince myself what was
happening wasn't happening at all!
But this time, I felt deathly sick to my stomach and I grabbed his wrist and pushed him away,
and looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Stop it." He looked embarrassed and taken off
guard. He said nothing and got up and left the room. I believe that was the end of the sexual
abuse. I believe that was just before 5th grade. From that point on, he seemed to be a good
father, and provided for us, and was fun and most the time he just seemed to me to be like
an overgrown child that never grew up. I found out much later, that he was 6 years
younger than my mother, and when he married her, he was only 18 years old. I always
thought they were the same age! My mother hid it I guess because she was ashamed of it or
something.
I tried for most of those 4 years to protect my sister who was 2 years younger than I. When I
would hear him asking her if she wanted to go to the store with him, I would panic and insist I
go. It was better he did to me what he did, than her. I had to prevent her from being used if
at all possible, but the truth was, I was never fully certain I was able to keep him from doing
something to her. After all, I was just a kid myself.
I honestly believed in my child's mind that he probably only did these things to me. When I
chose to repress things, I couldn't consciously remember them anyway, and I can recall that
it was about 7th grade that I began to have 'flashbacks' and visions in my head and
horrible nightmares of the abuse. Despite the fact that my stepfather did everything with
this syrupy sweetness, with bribes of candy and ice cream, and spewing platitudes of
'love and niceness', I started having horrific nightmares at about the time the abuse
started. I also 'saw things' when I was awake.
I thought I was losing my mind, and I was so afraid to go to bed at night that I would stay
awake for hours and hours, trying not to fall asleep because I knew that I would be
assaulted with horrific sights once asleep. My Mom didn't understand the nightmares and
didn't see the symptoms I was beginning to exhibit as common symptoms of a sexually
abused child. I remember setting the woods on fire once where my stepfather used to take
me in the car....and the fire department came and all the neighbors were there, and when my
mother realized I was the reason for the fire, I was spanked and punished. At the time, I didn't
even realize why I set it on fire. I just knew the woods scared me and I hated them. I felt so
guilty and 'bad' for having done it.
| Val's Story |
| President/Founder House of Hope S.W. Michigan |
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Award Winning Book, Child Advocate, Child Rape, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Child
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
| Rhonnie & Company, llc ATTENTION: Living After Abuse Mail P.O. Box 6219 Traverse City, Mi 49695 © Est. 2002 |
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