Living After Abuse
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I grew up in a large family, five boys and five girls. My parents also took in foster children. It
was often a full house. My memory is void of being held in my mothers arms although I
imagine I surely must have been as an infant. I saw very little love, yet I still held the pure
love deep inside of me sacred. I never lost sight of that. I learned to suppress it, as I was
constantly exposed the hate, something I couldn't recognize. I was eventually able to
process what hate was, and separated myself from it the best I could. When I was four
years old, 2 men on separate occasions sexually abuse me! I was very young and don't
remember it clearly, only disturbing flashbacks. I didn't seek counseling until my mid
twenties which helped greatly. I was able to face it and acknowledge it and let it go.
I was not close to my mother, although I felt dependent on her, so afraid and so alone all of
my childhood. There was a lot of physical, and verbal/emotional abuse. Three of us girls
were often lined up on the sofa and beaten with a belt, forced to confess to things we didn't
do wrong like; who farted? I thought my mother hated me as she caused so much pain to
me physically and emotionally. Most of all, she was breaking my heart. Her words are
etched in my mind still today "It was you wasn't it, it's always you...I wish you were never
born. I'm going to send you away to a welfare home where you will be beaten a lot worse
than you are now and I will never come for you. You will amount to NOTHING"!
Memories still haunt me seeing my mother tie my sister to the bed with bandages, also,
being told I would be put down the "pit" in the back yard and covered with boards and her
making my brothers dangle me down there. I was terrified! One night, one piece of her
choclate was missing from the fridge. She knew that as she kept count of her chocolate.
Seeing one was missing, she hit the roof. She lined the three girls up against the sofa and
beat us with the belt all the while demanding that one of us confess. I remember the cries
from each of us "no mummy, it wasn't me" but she just kept whipping us, over and over and
over again screaming abusive words at us. This time she kept hitting me in the same place,
it hurt so bad I could no longer stand the pain. I knew if I confessed, I would only get a few
more for getting my sisters beaten, and the she would send me to my room.
Although I was not guilty, I confessed. She beat me some more, verbally assaulted me more
and sent me to my room.I laid down on my stomach, my back and legs were stinging. I
cried. My brother came down and told me he knew it wasn't me because he saw another
sister do it. I cried and told him "yes, it wasn't me but please don't tell mum or I will get
beaten again for lying". He did go tell my mother and I heard my sister being beaten again,
and the she came down into our room and lay on her bed crying "it wasn't me, why did you
say that"? My mother then came down with a hot drink and a jar of cream. There was no
"I'm Sorry", just..."I knew it wasn't you, but I wanted your sister to confess". I didn't take her
drink, I didn't respond to her! She just put this cream on my back that stung really bad and
left. I remember having to peel the sheet off my back the next morning. Some years later,
my brother confessed that it was he who had stolen the chocolate.
I spent my childhood wishing someone would come and take me away from all this hate and
just give me unconditional love. I fantasized about running away and living in a hollow tree
alone, but I was conditioned to be dependent upon my mother. I suffered from panic attacks
and low self-esteem. In my school reports , it was clear I was a victim of abuse with
comments such as "Laurel is an extremely withdrawn child, who lacks in confidence, she
seems to be in a world of her own. Her results are cause for great concern"! My self-worth
and confidence were stripped from me; I lived in fear! I spent almost every night shaking in
bed crying to God "please, please make it go away"!
was often a full house. My memory is void of being held in my mothers arms although I
imagine I surely must have been as an infant. I saw very little love, yet I still held the pure
love deep inside of me sacred. I never lost sight of that. I learned to suppress it, as I was
constantly exposed the hate, something I couldn't recognize. I was eventually able to
process what hate was, and separated myself from it the best I could. When I was four
years old, 2 men on separate occasions sexually abuse me! I was very young and don't
remember it clearly, only disturbing flashbacks. I didn't seek counseling until my mid
twenties which helped greatly. I was able to face it and acknowledge it and let it go.
I was not close to my mother, although I felt dependent on her, so afraid and so alone all of
my childhood. There was a lot of physical, and verbal/emotional abuse. Three of us girls
were often lined up on the sofa and beaten with a belt, forced to confess to things we didn't
do wrong like; who farted? I thought my mother hated me as she caused so much pain to
me physically and emotionally. Most of all, she was breaking my heart. Her words are
etched in my mind still today "It was you wasn't it, it's always you...I wish you were never
born. I'm going to send you away to a welfare home where you will be beaten a lot worse
than you are now and I will never come for you. You will amount to NOTHING"!
Memories still haunt me seeing my mother tie my sister to the bed with bandages, also,
being told I would be put down the "pit" in the back yard and covered with boards and her
making my brothers dangle me down there. I was terrified! One night, one piece of her
choclate was missing from the fridge. She knew that as she kept count of her chocolate.
Seeing one was missing, she hit the roof. She lined the three girls up against the sofa and
beat us with the belt all the while demanding that one of us confess. I remember the cries
from each of us "no mummy, it wasn't me" but she just kept whipping us, over and over and
over again screaming abusive words at us. This time she kept hitting me in the same place,
it hurt so bad I could no longer stand the pain. I knew if I confessed, I would only get a few
more for getting my sisters beaten, and the she would send me to my room.
Although I was not guilty, I confessed. She beat me some more, verbally assaulted me more
and sent me to my room.I laid down on my stomach, my back and legs were stinging. I
cried. My brother came down and told me he knew it wasn't me because he saw another
sister do it. I cried and told him "yes, it wasn't me but please don't tell mum or I will get
beaten again for lying". He did go tell my mother and I heard my sister being beaten again,
and the she came down into our room and lay on her bed crying "it wasn't me, why did you
say that"? My mother then came down with a hot drink and a jar of cream. There was no
"I'm Sorry", just..."I knew it wasn't you, but I wanted your sister to confess". I didn't take her
drink, I didn't respond to her! She just put this cream on my back that stung really bad and
left. I remember having to peel the sheet off my back the next morning. Some years later,
my brother confessed that it was he who had stolen the chocolate.
I spent my childhood wishing someone would come and take me away from all this hate and
just give me unconditional love. I fantasized about running away and living in a hollow tree
alone, but I was conditioned to be dependent upon my mother. I suffered from panic attacks
and low self-esteem. In my school reports , it was clear I was a victim of abuse with
comments such as "Laurel is an extremely withdrawn child, who lacks in confidence, she
seems to be in a world of her own. Her results are cause for great concern"! My self-worth
and confidence were stripped from me; I lived in fear! I spent almost every night shaking in
bed crying to God "please, please make it go away"!
Laurel's Story
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Award Winning Book, Child Advocate, Child Rape, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Child
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
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