| Living After Abuse |
I became more and more depressed and I left home at 17 and moved in with my high school
boyfriend. He was very abusive -- verbally, sexually, emotionally, you name it. He stole my
virginity and then accused me of not being a virgin.
At that point, I began to have emotional breakdowns after every sexual encounter. I would
go into the bathroom, cry and cry and ask myself, “Why am I crying?! What is going on?!!” I
had no idea why. I would then question my past, but thought that surely I would know if
something had happened to me. I would compose myself and go back to bed like nothing
was wrong. There was something terribly wrong. This went on for 30 years!
Relationships have always been hard for me. Someone once said to me, “Jann, you sure
can get the men, you just can’t keep them.” I’ve never forgotten that. It really wasn’t that I
couldn’t keep them as much as I didn’t want to keep them. I married my boyfriend when I
turned 20. Two months later, I knew I had made a mistake. The marriage lasted six years
and ended in disaster. I had a two year-old, the same age I was when my parents divorced.
I worked very hard to keep my son. He was the joy of my life. I was determined he would be
happy and not suffer from the divorce and feel neglected the way I did while growing up. I
tried to keep him safe at all times.
My depression was debilitating but, at the time, no one ever talked about depression.
People thought I was moody. I became very promiscuous in my twenties; something I had
never done before – I was always afraid of sex. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough. I believe I
was looking for love and I believed that someone would fall in love with me if I had sex with
them. How warped is that?
In 1992, my Big brother Jerry committed suicide. He had had a couple of strokes, which
totally took away his manhood. He was so macho that he couldn’t handle being a cripple.
He lived alone and he died alone. My sister Nina found him. I never cried when he died. I
felt sad for my Mother, losing her third son, but other than that, I never cried. I still don’t cry
for him.
After he died, my Father died the following March. After my Father died, my sister Mickey
(who was so ill with depression) committed suicide. She lived alone and she died alone.
She finally gave up trying to live life as she so very ill. I still grieve for her. After Mickey died
in June of 1996, my sister Nina’s husband died of a brain tumor in October. Then, their
daughter, my niece that Jerry molested, died of AIDS in December at age 36. A year
later, Nina had a massive heart attack and was dead by the time she hit the floor. The three
of them are buried together.
And finally, my sister Shirley, the first born, the eldest of all of us, died of pancreatic cancer,
six months to the day of when the doctor told her she had six months to live. And then there
were three.
I don’t know who hurt my brothers. I don’t know why they chose to be monsters. They say
that to be a pedophile you were abused yourself. I was abused and I am not a pedophile.
There are three of us left; my brother Denny, the surviving twin, my sister Sandy, and me.
We all suffered under the hands of Terry and Jerry. They were relentless in their physical
and verbal abuse. They did everything from calling us hurtful names to sexual abuse-it
never stopped.
So on Sunday, I’ll take my Mother to church for Mother’s Day and I won’t say anything about
her sons.
How can such a huge lie stay buried for so long? I don’t know. I think that we have all tried
to protect my Mother.
I learned in therapy that I was very angry at my Mother for years. I try not to be angry
anymore. I learned that we can Honor our Mothers and Fathers without necessarily even
liking them.
Jann
boyfriend. He was very abusive -- verbally, sexually, emotionally, you name it. He stole my
virginity and then accused me of not being a virgin.
At that point, I began to have emotional breakdowns after every sexual encounter. I would
go into the bathroom, cry and cry and ask myself, “Why am I crying?! What is going on?!!” I
had no idea why. I would then question my past, but thought that surely I would know if
something had happened to me. I would compose myself and go back to bed like nothing
was wrong. There was something terribly wrong. This went on for 30 years!
Relationships have always been hard for me. Someone once said to me, “Jann, you sure
can get the men, you just can’t keep them.” I’ve never forgotten that. It really wasn’t that I
couldn’t keep them as much as I didn’t want to keep them. I married my boyfriend when I
turned 20. Two months later, I knew I had made a mistake. The marriage lasted six years
and ended in disaster. I had a two year-old, the same age I was when my parents divorced.
I worked very hard to keep my son. He was the joy of my life. I was determined he would be
happy and not suffer from the divorce and feel neglected the way I did while growing up. I
tried to keep him safe at all times.
My depression was debilitating but, at the time, no one ever talked about depression.
People thought I was moody. I became very promiscuous in my twenties; something I had
never done before – I was always afraid of sex. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough. I believe I
was looking for love and I believed that someone would fall in love with me if I had sex with
them. How warped is that?
In 1992, my Big brother Jerry committed suicide. He had had a couple of strokes, which
totally took away his manhood. He was so macho that he couldn’t handle being a cripple.
He lived alone and he died alone. My sister Nina found him. I never cried when he died. I
felt sad for my Mother, losing her third son, but other than that, I never cried. I still don’t cry
for him.
After he died, my Father died the following March. After my Father died, my sister Mickey
(who was so ill with depression) committed suicide. She lived alone and she died alone.
She finally gave up trying to live life as she so very ill. I still grieve for her. After Mickey died
in June of 1996, my sister Nina’s husband died of a brain tumor in October. Then, their
daughter, my niece that Jerry molested, died of AIDS in December at age 36. A year
later, Nina had a massive heart attack and was dead by the time she hit the floor. The three
of them are buried together.
And finally, my sister Shirley, the first born, the eldest of all of us, died of pancreatic cancer,
six months to the day of when the doctor told her she had six months to live. And then there
were three.
I don’t know who hurt my brothers. I don’t know why they chose to be monsters. They say
that to be a pedophile you were abused yourself. I was abused and I am not a pedophile.
There are three of us left; my brother Denny, the surviving twin, my sister Sandy, and me.
We all suffered under the hands of Terry and Jerry. They were relentless in their physical
and verbal abuse. They did everything from calling us hurtful names to sexual abuse-it
never stopped.
So on Sunday, I’ll take my Mother to church for Mother’s Day and I won’t say anything about
her sons.
How can such a huge lie stay buried for so long? I don’t know. I think that we have all tried
to protect my Mother.
I learned in therapy that I was very angry at my Mother for years. I try not to be angry
anymore. I learned that we can Honor our Mothers and Fathers without necessarily even
liking them.
Jann
Jann's Story
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Award Winning Book, Child Advocate, Child Rape, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Child
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
Maltreatment, Child Cruelty, Sexual Abuse, Crimes Against Children, Injustice, Child Advocate,
Child Psychology, Child Development, Child Molester, Child Molesters, Sexual Deviant, Sexual
Law, sexual law, Radio Shows, Featured Guest, Motivational Speaker, Keynote Speaker, Cody
Posey, New Mexico, Las Cruces, Roswell, Traverse City, Radio Guest, Child Abuse Prevention,
child psychology, child therapy, Social Worker, Healing, hopeful, The Purpose Driven Life,
Failure to Protect, Child Endangerment, Hope, Healing, Compassionate, passionate, Fighter,
Fighter for kids
| Rhonnie & Company, llc ATTENTION: Living After Abuse Mail P.O. Box 6219 Traverse City, Mi 49695 © Est. 2002 |
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